


The Gang Makes Mac Gay

by patheticfangirl



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Accents, Attempted Kidnapping, Dennis Is a Five Star Man, Drug Use, Gambling, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Post-Season/Series 11, Rat Bashing, Scheming, The D.E.N.N.I.S. System, Wrestling, canon-typical horribleness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 20:58:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6536029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patheticfangirl/pseuds/patheticfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac is gay and everyone knows it. They make a bet to see who can prove it. Features both crime and full penetration.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gang Makes Mac Gay

 

**Prologue**

10:30 AM. On a Friday. Philadelphia, PA.

Dennis, Dee, Charlie, and Frank gather around the Paddy’s bar. Dee pretends to clean a glass while the others don't bother pretending to work. They should, as the bar is covered in various filths, but they don’t.

“So we gonna do the vaseline thing or what?” Frank asks. “I’m bored,” he adds.

Before the others can decline, Mac throws open the front door and enters, wearing a sleeveless cowboy costume. His face shimmers with body glitter as he greets the gang. “Heyooo. What's up, bitches?”

“Dude, why are you dressed like that?” Charlie asks, paying attention in particular to Mac’s newly coiffed hair.

“Huh?” Mac wonders, then looks down at his own outfit. “Oh! There was this sweet party last night down at The Rainbow. You guys should’ve come.”

“Did you?” Dee asks. Charlie snickers.

Mac doesn't get it.

Dennis makes her point clearer. “The Rainbow... the gay bar?”

“What!?” Mac shouts, his anger rising at the accusal that wasn’t. “I’m not gay! I’m not gay!”

Charlie rolls his eyes. “Aggggh. Dude, we don’t care.”

Mac points to Dennis and Dee and continues his tirade. “I banged your mom. I’m so not gay!”

Frank chuckles knowingly. Dee nods.

“What?” Mac asks.

“Did you?” Dennis asks. “Bang our mom, I mean.” He stands up and moves in close to Mac, his eyebrows tilting just so. His voice deepens. “...Or did she bang you?”

“What?” Mac repeats.

“Not only was their mother a whore,” Frank says, “but when she hit fifty, she started transitioning.”

“Your mom had a dick?” Charlie asks.

“Not yet,” Dennis says, letting the words out slowly for emphasis.

 “I’m confused,” Charlie admits.

“Strap on,” Frank spouts. Dee nods in agreement.

“So,” Dennis asks, “did our mom bang you?”

Mac becomes flustered and starts gesturing wildly. “Lots of straight dudes are into butt stuff!” He nearly knocks Frank’s drink off the bar with his frantic movement.

Dee, clearly in disagreement, tilts her hand back and forth and lets out an “ehhhh.”

“I’ve never done butt stuff,” Charlie says.

“I have,” Frank blurts. Everyone ignores him.

“I don't have to take this!” Mac shouts. As he gesticulates, a handful of rainbow-colored condoms fall out of his vest. “I'm not gay. I’m gonna go home and bang all the chicks.” 

“You do that,” Charlie says.

“Yeah, send us a full report,” Dennis adds with contempt.

Mac storms out of the bar, slamming the door behind him. The only customer in the building looks up for a moment, lets out a muffled cough, then drops his head back down to continue his nap.

"Is anyone else tired of this?" Dennis asks, holding up a pink condom, then pocketing it. 

The rest of the gang nods.

"You know what we have to do, then?"

They all nod, except for Frank, who stares straight ahead at nothing in particular.

 

**The Gang Makes A Bet**

“Ground rules,” Dennis says. “How much are we betting?”

“Thousand bucks each,” Frank insists.

Charlie makes an “uhhhh” noise to note his poverty.

“Nobody here has that kind of money,” Dee complains.

“Go big or go home!” Frank yells.

“Well we’re neither going big nor going home,” Dennis says, “so you can shut your goddamn pie hole, Frank.” He looks to Dee, then Charlie. “Fifty each?” He asks.

“Two hundred bucks?” Frank spits. “That’s not even worth my time!”

“Then you don’t have to be a part of the bet, Frank!” Dennis shouts.

Charlie makes another “uhhhh” noise.

“Really, Charlie?” Dee asks. “You’re almost forty years old and you don’t have fifty dollars?”

“How is that even possible?” Dennis asks. “We all make the same amount of money and you live in a cat-infested shithole.”

Charlie goes on the defensive. “Hey, I don’t question your spending habits.”

Frank calms him down. “Don’t worry about it. I got you, Charlie.”

He pulls a hundred bucks from his wallet and puts the money on the bar. Dee and Dennis each put down their fifty. Dee pulls a rusty tin can from underneath the bar. It’s labeled “Can Bett” because Charlie did the labeling. Dennis puts the money inside and Dee returns the can.

“Okay,” Dennis says. “Two hundred to whoever can prove Mac is gay first. Do we need any other ground rules?”

Nobody says anything, and Dennis smiles. “Anything goes. I like that.”

Dee grabs her purse and heads for the exit. “Later, boners. I’ll be back in a few hours for that money.”

 

**Dee**

By noon, Mac has changed out of his cowboy outfit and into a Flyers jersey. He sits back on the couch, drinking a cheap beer. When there’s a knock at the door, he quickly changes the channel from Logo to ESPN, then rises to answer it.

Sweet Dee greets him with a smile. Her voice—normally mannish and offputting—is high-pitched and flirtatious. “Hey, Mac.”

“Dee?” Mac questions. There has never been an occasion when Dee has sought him out, and he’s rightly suspicious. He looks down at her enormous hands and asks a follow-up. “Why do you have wine coolers?” They’re B&J. Fuzzy Navel.

“Ohhh,” Dee says, leaning into the door frame. “I just think it’s messed up what happened back at the bar.”

Mac nods. “You’re right it was. I’m not gay!”

Dee fights every instinct inside of her and nods along. “I know you’re not.” She twirls her hair. “Can I come in?”

“I guess.”

She sets the coolers on a table, closes the door behind her, and, while Mac is turned away, rips open her jacket to reveal nothing but a yellow bra underneath. When Mac sits back down, he looks up and notices.

“Jesus Christ, Dee.”

“You know how I know you’re not gay?” she asks, jutting out what little she has to offer.

Mac is repulsed by the flat-chested yellow bird in front of him, but he does love compliments, so he asks, “How?”

Dee approaches and leans in close. So close Mac can smell the cocaine residue on her face. She flatters him, as expected. “If you were gay, there’s no way I could be so turned on right now.”

Mac throws up his hands. “You’re embarrassing yourself, Dee.”

“What?” She asks, still playing her game. “I just… I spend plenty of time around Dennis and Charlie and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to really know you.” She rubs his shoulder. “You know?”

“Is this a bucket list thing?” Mac asks, genuinely curious.

“Hmm?”

“Well, first you bang Charlie, and now you want to bang me… I’m starting to think you’ve banged Dennis too.”

"You know about Charlie!?" Dee stands up and drops the act. She quickly zips her jacket.

Mac shrugs. "Yeah, everyone knows. We just don't talk about it because we don't want to embarrass him."

Now Dee is furious. “Oh, you don't want to embarrass Charlie, huh? You don’t want to embarrass the janitor who showers once a week and sleeps with an old man!? He's the one who should be embarrassed!"

She storms off. Mac switches back to Logo.

Back at the bar, Dee holds out her hand and says “Pay up, bitches.” She continues with a proclamation: "Mac's gay. I couldn't get him to sleep with me."

Dennis objects. "That doesn't prove a goddamn thing. Nobody wants to sleep with you, you deluded bird."

“Plenty of men want to sleep with me.” She considers her next statement, then rolls with it since everyone already knows. “Charlie slept with me!” She points at him accusingly.

Charlie shakes his head and brings his palm to his forehead.

Frank comes to his defense. “Don’t embarrass him!”

Dennis laughs at his sister. "Oh, you managed to get the king of the rats to throw you a pity lay, did you? Dee, you're pathetic."

As Dee buries her shame deep inside, Charlie takes offense. “Hey, you know what?”

“What, Charlie?” Dennis asks, expecting something stupid to come out of his mouth.

“This king of the rats is going to show you how you make someone gay.”

Charlie storms off—toward the basement rather than the front door—and Dennis and Frank are left wondering the same thing Dee says.

“Did he say _make_ him gay?”

 

**Charlie**

A few hours later, Mac descends the basement stairs, calling for the man who summoned him. “Charlie?” He trips on something that he thinks was moving, but catches himself against the wall. He groans. “Why aren’t there any goddamn lights on down here?”

“There’s plenty of light, dude,” Charlie says from the depths of the basement.

When Mac reaches the bottom of the stairs, he finds the small source of light Charlie was talking about: a single, candle-lit lantern in the corner. Its glow reveals the corpses of several rats, lying in a pool of blood. But it doesn’t reveal Charlie. His voice comes from the darkness and drowns out dozens of rodent squeaks.

“I’m glad you showed up,” Charlie says. He coughs a little, then repeats his sentiment in what he believes to be an English accent. “I’m quite thrilled, really.”

Mac dramatically puts his hands at his hips. “What do you want? You said it was urgent. And why are you talking like that?”

“‘Tis urgent, Mac,” Charlie says, ignoring his question and stepping into the light. “You see, I need a spot of help with these rats…”

Charlie is shirtless, and his body glistens with rat fluids. He holds his bashing stick—still dripping warm blood onto the floor—in his right hand, and a pristine baseball bat in his left. He offers the bat to Mac.

“Is that my Boggs bat?” Mac asks.

“Yeah, I figured it would get you in the mood,” Charlie says, in his normal voice.

“In the mood for what!?” Mac shouts.

“For bashin’ rats. Duh.”

“I am not bashing rats with my signed Wade Boggs bat.” He reconsiders. “I’m not bashing rats at all. Why would you think I’d want to bash rats with you? And why are you shirtless? And why are you doing an intermittent Cockney accent?”

Charlie’s eyes roll up into his head as he tries to process more than one question at a time. “Uh, first of all, I’m always shirtless when I bash rats. You gotta be shirtless when you bash rats. Makes it a whole lot easier to get rid of all the blood.”

Mac cringes in disgust.

Charlie continues. “Anyway, you seem tense, dude. All those other guys telling you you’re gay and stuff...I don’t believe it, by the way. But an old-fashioned rat bashin’ might be just what you need.”

Mac considers that, and because he’s an idiot, agrees. “You know what. Maybe you’re right. Killing things is pretty badass.”

“Totally badass,” Charlie agrees.

Mac adds an important afterthought. “But we’re not dirtying the Boggs bat.”

“Okay, okay,” Charlie concedes.

A few minutes later, a shirtless, bloody Mac runs upstairs and past the rest of the gang, who are still sitting around drinking. Dee and Dennis give the spectacle barely interested glances. Frank doesn’t seem to notice at all.

A few seconds after that, Charlie joins them and makes an announcement: "Mac's not gay."

He explains his scheme, which makes sense to nobody. At the end, he notes the most important part: “Dude didn’t even get a semi.”

Dee takes a moment to process what Charlie just said before speaking. "So you thought naked rat bashing was going to turn Mac on?"

"Uh, Dee. You definitely don't know how to turn people on so I don't want to hear it."

"I do so... You slept with me, goddamn it!"

For reasons known only to him, Charlie puts his English accent back on. "Indeed. Quite. One of my biggest regrets if I dare say." He holds onto his invisible monocle.

"Why is he doing that?" Dennis asks Dee. He turns to Charlie, his voice more agitated. "Why are you doing that?"

“Well now I’m trying to see if you’re gay. Cuz chicks and gay dudes love an exotic accent.”

“Not when you sound like goddamn Dick Van Dyke as a chimney sweep,” Dennis says, forehead veins bulging.

"Wot seems to be the matter?" Charlie asks, still holding onto a monocle that doesn’t exist.

Dennis moves on, annoyed. "Look. Even if Mac had gotten a boner, that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve gotten boners for macaroni and cheese, for god’s sake. We’re men.”

Dee mouths “macaroni and cheese?” and Charlie shrugs. He’s been there.

Dennis hops off his barstool. “You know what? I'm just going to have to show you people how this is done."

"Wait," Frank interrupts, coming out of his general daze and holding his hand out in a stop gesture. "I have an idea."

 

**Frank**

When Mac wakes up, he has no idea where he is, just that the place reeks of rotted ham and piss. It’s too dark to see anything. He shimmies back and forth before realizing that he’s tied to a chair. He tries to blink and a sharp stabbing pain in his brow stops him.

It occurs to Mac that he’s been kidnapped.

“I don’t know who you are or what you want, but if you kill me, God is gonna wrath on you so hard,” he pleads. Then he begins talking to himself. “I mean, he did personally save me from a sinking cruise ship, so he’s definitely on my side. Of course, he did put me here also so…”

“Shut up!” a disguised voice demands as the room floods with white. Half a dozen spotlights, positioned just above Mac, cause him to rock his head back and forth trying to avoid them. It’s to no avail.

“Watch the presentation,” the voice says.

As his face is all wired up like in _A Clockwork Orange_ , Mac has no choice, and he also has no idea what’s going on. All he can see are white spots. “What presen—”

Before he can finish the question, the lights dim and a slideshow is projected onto the wall in front of him. It reads “Mac + ? = Love” in Comic Sans. Now that his eyes have adjusted, he can clearly see that he’s strapped to Charlie’s couch.

“Goddamn it, Frank,” he says.

A puttering film reel noise marks the start of the projections on the wall.

First, a red carpet shot of Ryan Gosling. That’s followed by a pre-transition Bruce Jenner making a victory pose at the 1976 Olympics. Then it gets weird. Wade Boggs in his prime, naked in a locker room.

“How did you even get that photo?” Mac asks.

“Silence!” the muffled voice that’s clearly Frank’s says.

Boggs is followed by an erotic photo Frank himself, greased up and holding onto a boneless ham. There are six photos of Frank in succession, and each one grosses Mac out more. In the last one, there’s… insertion.

“Jesus Christ, Frank.”

The presentation concludes with a candid of Rickety Cricket, giving an alley blowjob for crack. The last slide (also in Comic Sans) reads “~Fin~”.

The puttering noise returns for a brief moment, and the lights come up. Mac shakes his head violently. “Are you done, you lunatic?”

A man steps into Mac’s view, but it’s a full-height man. Bill Ponderosa. His face is marked with green spray paint that he’s obviously been huffing.

“So,” Pondy starts, “how did that make you feel?”

“Uh, pissed off?” Mac says. “Untie me from this goddamn chair.”

“Are you gay now?” Pondy asks.

“What!?”

“Come on, Pondy! That’s not how you do it!” Frank’s voice says. Mac now notices that it’s coming from a two-way radio sitting in the corner.

“Oh, right.” Pondy knows the drill. He pulls out a pair of pliers and heads for Mac’s fingernails.

“Jesus Christ, dude,” Mac interrupts. “How much is Frank paying you?”

Pondy shrugs. “Hit o’ molly.”

“One hit of molly.” Mac can’t believe it. “That’s enough for you to kidnap and torture someone?”

Pondy shrugs again. “Yeah.”

“Fine. I’ll give you two to let me go.”

“Three hits to keep torturing him!” Frank shouts.

“Four to let me go,” Mac insists.

“Five!” Frank yells.

“Turn him off for a second,” Mac says.

“Don’t turn me off, Pondy!”

Pondy, curious, shuts off the walkie talkie. He wonders for a moment if Mac will offer him a blowjob.

Mac doesn’t. “I’ll give you five hits, some of Charlie’s best paint, _and_ I won’t press charges.”

Pondy shrugs once more. “Fine. I wanna get out of here anyway. This place is depressing.”

Back at the bar, Frank startles everyone with his declaration: "I really don't think Mac's gay."

He explains his Bill Ponderosa torture scheme and Mac’s distinct lack of a boner the entire time. The rest of the gang is horrified.

"Jesus, Frank. What is wrong with you?" Dee asks.

"You can't kidnap and torture someone and expect them to get a boner," Charlie says. "That's just, like, common sense, dude."

“And I thought we covered the boner thing, Frank,” Dennis snaps. “It doesn’t prove anything.”

“I wasn’t listening,” Frank admits.

Dennis then objects for a different reason, his face becoming redder and redder as he speaks. "Worst of all, you don't know anything about kidnap and torture, you goddamn lunatic. There are certain things you have to take care of. There are things. You've missed all the important things. The tools. The sounds. And you didn’t do a thing to attack the man’s psyche."

Everyone stares at him, and Dennis changes subjects, his forehead veins still engorged. "Anyway, you don't have to torture Mac to get what we need." His face loses some of its redness as he calms down. "You just need a particular set of skills, which I have in abundance.”

 

**Dennis**

That evening, Mac arrives home some time after Dennis. He finds his roommate sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and watching the Flyers game. Mac’s shirt still has pieces of duct tape affixed to it, and for some reason Pondy sprayed a sad face on him with green paint.

“Rough day?” Dennis asks. He knows it has been. He also knows there’s only one method of proving Mac’s homosexuality: the D.E.N.N.I.S System. His system. It’s normally a method that takes weeks, but Dennis has decided to challenge himself and see if he can make it work in under 24 hours. The clock starts as Mac answers his question.

“Don’t even get me started.”

“You wanna watch the game?” Dennis asks.

“No!” Mac shouts. “I know what you’re doing. The whole gang. You’re trying to make me gay.”

Dennis feigns surprise at the outburst. “Wh—”

“I’m going to bed,” Mac says, heading toward his bedroom, “and I’m locking my door!”

Dennis darts up and hurries over before Mac can get the door shut. “Whoa now,” he says, lending a sympathetic ear. “I know what the others did and it’s all pretty messed up.”

Mac expects Dennis to start hitting on him. Dennis doesn’t. Instead, he says, “Get some rest. Lock the door if it’ll make you feel better. Whatever you need.”

Mac is confused. “Huh. O...kay.”

Dennis’s value as a friend has been demonstrated.

By morning, Mac feels safe to exit his room. When he does, Dennis is knelt down in front of the TV, completely nude.

“Dude. What the hell?!” Mac says, shielding his eyes.

Dennis grabs a pillow and quickly places it in front of his package. “Mac? I thought you wouldn’t be awake for a few more hours.”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, this is embarrassing,” Dennis lies. “What I’m doing is practicing along with this wrestling instruction video.”

Mac doesn’t want to be, but he’s intrigued. Yet still skeptical. “Yeah, right.”

Dennis motions his hand toward the TV, inviting Mac to take a look. Sure enough, there are two young men wrestling on screen.

“Why are you naked?” Mac asks. He points to the screen. “They’re not naked.”

“That’s how the Greeks did it, Mac.” He looks at the screen. “Those men aren’t naked because it would get them an NC-17 rating and then they couldn’t show it on this public access channel.”

“That makes sense,” Mac says.

Dennis smiles. “Of course it does.” He pretends to ponder. “Actually, this would be a lot more useful if you’d practice with me…”

“I dunno, dude. That seems pretty gay.” He pauses. “And I’m not gay.”

Dennis chastises him. “You’re being extremely childish, Mac. You’re close to 40, aren’t you? Of course it’s not gay. It’s about sportsmanship. It’s about being on completely equal footing. The Greeks knew that wrestling in the nude would mean the winner was truly the dominant man.”

“Huh. That all sounds pretty good.”

“What do you say?” Dennis asks.

Within minutes, Mac is also naked and the two are caught in a leg lock. Dennis has engaged Mac physically. He knows he could have Mac now. That much is obvious in the raging boner rubbing against Dennis’s thigh. He could have Mac now, but there would still be a struggle. Mac would probably start shouting. It would loosely be considered “rape.” No. He decides he’ll wait until the conquest is easy.

He lets Mac win.

“Wow. You’ve been working out a lot,” Dennis says.

Feigning exhaustion, he gets up and heads to the kitchen.

“Wait, that’s it?” Mac asks. The short match has left him unsatisfied.

“I’m exhausted,” Dennis says, “I need to grab some water.”

His dick is still out in the open, and he leaves it ambiguous. Not too hard, not too soft.

Suddenly Mac is cupping his hands over his own dick to hide his shame. He waits for Dennis to return. He waits a long time. He waits what feels like forever.

Dennis pants and pretends he’s still not ready to get back into it.

“You go ahead and practice some moves on your own,” he directs.

Mac can’t. Dennis has been nurturing his roommate’s dependence on him for the last 15 years. Mac won’t do this without him.

“Nah, that’s okay,” Mac says. “You sure you’re too tired?”

In his mind, Mac has made the decision to summon Dennis, but his choice is an illusion. Dennis can practically hear the symphony that would play in the movie of his life at the execution of his Machiavellian scheme. It’s a little too heavy on the French horn for his tastes.

“I guess if you really want to keep going...” Dennis says. “But go easy on me.” He chuckles.

Mac chuckles too.

A few minutes later, Dennis has Mac pinned. He nestles his dick just so between his roommate’s ass cheeks. “You want to try something really badass?” he asks, pressing into Mac with just the tip.

“Hell yeah!” Mac says, full of enthusiasm.

When all's said and done and the two men are lying on the carpet in their own fluids, Mac lets out a huge sigh of relief. “I feel, like, a hundred percent more badass already,” he says. “I’ve never dominated anyone so hard. I really feel like this is gonna help me with my skills at the bar…”

Dennis wonders how being pounded in the ass counts as dominating, but decides against grilling Mac on his interpretation of power bottoms. It’s time to neglect him emotionally.

“I don’t give a shit, Mac.”

“I feel like I can really follow the ocular patdown with a solid physical threat…”

“Whatever.”

As Dennis stands up and gets dressed, Mac asks, “You wanna practice some moves again some time?”

Dennis inspires hope. “Yeah, sure… maybe.”

He walks out the door, separating entirely. He definitely won’t be boning Mac again. He checks his watch. The system was completed in 12 hours and 17 minutes. He already knows he’s a golden god, but this gives him further evidence. He’s hard again just thinking of himself.

Back at the bar, Dennis holds out his hand. "Time to pay up because Mac is definitely gay."

"Yeah, we know," Charlie says. "I thought we were past this."

"Charlie, have you even been paying attention?"

The accent returns. "The utmost attention, good sirs."

"Goddamn it.” Dennis chooses to ignore him. “Anyway, Mac is gay."

Dennis explains how he successfully seduced Mac through careful implementation of mankind's most homoerotic sport. When he's finished, they all stare at him.

"You slept with Mac just to win this stupid bet?" Dee asks.

"So you’re gay too?" Charlie asks.

"What? No, I'm not gay. Sleeping with one man doesn't make you gay. I had to prove a point. I had to win. It’s about dominance." He becomes red-faced again as his fury builds.

"But then..." Frank says, "You don't win. Either you're gay or you don't win."

"That's right. If sleeping with one man doesn't make you gay, then it doesn't make Mac gay either," Dee says.

“I was the top!” Dennis shouts. “It’s all about dominance! The ancient Greeks—”

“I don’t think that matters,” Dee says, relishing in her brother’s fury.

"So which is it, then?" Charlie asks.

Dennis inhales sharply and bites his tongue. He wants to win. "Fine. I'm gay. And you know what? I'm going to bang every last one of you. Because that’s how you show dominance. And make no mistake, I am the alpha of this group."

"That's not gay. I'm a woman," Dee says. "That's just incest."

"Oh, yeah. Dee's a woman. Suuuure," Charlie says. “We’ve seen your hands, Dee.”

"You wanna be gay too, Charlie?" Frank asks. "You slept with the broad."

"Good point. I agree. Dee and Dennis would just be incest, then…”

"I'm not sleeping with Dennis!" Dee shouts.

"You don't want to be on my bang list? Fine. I'll just put you on my other list."

"What other list?"

He doesn't say a word. He’s given her the fear and he won’t let it slip away.

"What other list, Dennis?"

Silence.

"Dennis, what other list?"

Dennis simply smiles.


End file.
